A year gone....

It has been a little over a year since I've written anything, I'll have to work on not being a slacker.

Happy Birthday

Ahhh yes, so today is my 28th birthday... Not really a big milestone in life, but I remember when I was 14 and thought my future would be different. Like many teenage girls, I can remember sitting in my best friends room talking about what we were going to go to college for, what our houses were going to be like, what age we wanted to be married by, and how many kids we wanted to have. (Of course we even had our kids names picked out already.)

Absolutely nothing about those conversations came true. I suppose all for good reason. Sometimes you think you know what you want, then you get something completely different and are happier than you ever thought you could be.

I did go to college, but not the one I had picked out nor for the degree I had planned. I still do not own my own house, which is probably a good thing because I have enjoyed moving around. I'm not married yet, but have since decided that being married really doesn't matter much. As for kids.... eh, maybe I don't want kids after all. After encountering so many fucked up families in the last 14 years, having kids doesn't seem so appealing anymore. You put in all this effort to raise your kids to be decent people and you have a 50/50 chance of that working out. Sometimes I don't think I want to take that chance.

Being 28 also marks another important event in my life. I only have 95 days before I have lived more of my life without my dad than with him. January 18th 2011 marks the day that I have lived exactly 14 years with him and exactly 14 years without him.

Memory Lane #2

This poem was in one of my notebooks. I honestly can't remember what I was thinking when this was written, but I kinda think it still sounds neat. I also noticed that the 3rd line is from the Simon and Garfunkel song "America"


Jess I'm lost, I said
Though I knew she was sleeping
I'm empty and aching and I don't know why

I'm hungry and hollow and can't find a fill
Jess I'm lost, I said
though I knew she was sleeping

She can hear my cries
Her dreams are filled with my pain
She knows my hurt a world away

Jess I'm lost, I said
Though I knew she was sleeping

Memory Lane

I was looking through all my old notebooks and poems today, it's weird to read the things I wrote back then. Some aren't really that old, but to revisit the state of mind I was in, is really strange. I vaguely remember what some of them were about. This one I remember what it was about, but can't remember exactly WHO it was written for.

It was written just after I moved to Oklahoma. I had just gotten out of a year and half relationship with a girl named Jess and Oklahoma was my new start, I was going to try to be in a straight relationship for the first time in 6 years. This was me asking for help in that endeavor. It was directed toward someone that didn't really know my past all that well, but I still wanted them to help "fix" me. I realized, shortly after writing this; I didn't need to be "fixed" and what ever hang ups I had about being straight, I had to deal with on my own.


I'm demanding all the answers
To the questions you didn't hear

I need you to sew up all the pieces
From the soul you didn't tear

So can you put me back together
And patch me up within

Will you help me find the answers
And make me whole again


It's a little corny, but it must have made me feel better when I wrote it. I'm sure everyone wrote some pretty corny things when they were younger. Heck, I still write corny things. Haha

Heavy thoughts

Today has been filled with heavy thoughts: thoughts on relationships,thoughts of moving, thoughts on life. A lot of things are running through my head these days.
Tyler and I moved here to meet his fathers side of the family. We tried not to have unrealistic expectations about the whole situation, but it seems that even our simplest desires aren't meant to be. From the day I found out that Jimmy wasn't Tyler's father, I had been interested in this mystical person that we only knew as Dominick Pallone. (A name we decided sounded like it belonged in a Italian romance novel) We would sit and wonder what he was like, (we'd already heard about how he used to be.), wondered what he looked like and if him and Tyler were alike in any way. Tyler always expressed that he hoped he had siblings, a sister is what he wanted the most. Once we found out that this sister existed, our number one reason for moving here was so Tyler could meet her. He really wanted that sibling relationship that he never had. I don't really feel like getting deep into our disappointments about moving here, yet, but they will come up from time to time and maybe all make sense in the end.

Tyler and I discussed getting married on todays date, but didn't really have the money yet, and didn't want to get married on a Sunday. What's so special about July 18th? Well, today is our 5 1/2 year anniversary, but more importantly, today would have been my mom and dad's 40th wedding anniversary. I think it would have been neat to get married the same day as my mom and dad. There are many other details about Tyler and I getting married that we just can't seem to iron out. Number one, no one in his family likes me, on either side, and while that doesn't really matter to us, it is kind of a pain in the ass. Number two, Tyler doesn't want to disappoint his moms side of the family by getting married without them there, but getting his mom and dads sides of the family together would probably result in a war. I want to go off and get married alone because I don't think a wedding should be a spectator sport, Tyler agrees, but he hates to disappoint people. (more on that later)

There is a lot more I wanted to write about tonight, but I underestimated my attention span. I'll write more tomorrow.

In the beginning

I remember when my best friend got a diary for her birthday. She was really excited and I seen her write in it often. We were only 12 or 13 at the time. I thought it was a great thing to have and wanted one of my own, that is, until a girl from our school broke into it and read it. This girl read my best friends diary and told her secrets to the whole school. I was so afraid that someone would read mine, that I never started one. I kinda wish I would have because I've always wanted to write a memoir. Having all those early memories written down in detail would have helped a great deal. But, now I wonder all the time if I will ever really live enough to write one. I mean face it, people who write memoirs have exciting lives or at least something interesting to write about. They have all gone through hard times in there life and over came them, or had a great epiphany. Will that ever happen to me? I guess I will write this blog and maybe someday I will write that memoir.